The stories we tell ourselves

In therapy clients often come to me with stories about all sorts of things but mostly about themselves. These stories are incredibly powerful whether or not they are true because they are our story that we tell ourselves therefore they are what we believe to be true. For example, let’s think about the world. The world in itself has no meaning, we ourselves offer it meaning with the story we have told ourselves about what the world is or isn’t. Minute by minute we actively contribute to our stories through our perceptions of things, so if we want to change our behaviour we need to consider how we approach these stories and how we create them.

Now, this is one of the most magical powers of humans that we are able to apply meaning to things but what happens when the meaning we apply to things isnt helping us? What happens when the meaning is causing us to struggle, to tread water and to land us up in the quick sand?

Let me give you my own personal example. I have always been someone who easily blushes, it can creep up on me at anytime. When I’m simply talking to a stranger about my dog, to when I’m public speaking in a professional environment, to when I feel flustered because I’m juggling a million things in my mind and something catches me off guard.

Now I’ll tell you the story I told myself about blushing; I’m weak, I’m insecure, I’m ashamed, I’m childish, I’m silly. Everyone who is looking at me thinks I’m weak, insecure, ashamed, childish and silly. Then I went to therapy and was asked to consider how I created this story, what was it made up of? Like every story it was made up of;

• How I was feeling

• What I thought people were thinking

• What some people had told me

• What I had assumed

Now, what happens if I forgot all those things and thought about it differently? Actually, could blushing mean that Im socially aware, could it mean that I care? Could it mean that I am sensitive? Could it mean that I’m passionate about the things I care about, could it mean that I can be vulnerable? Of course it can, and these story feels far less punishing for me. I feel better when this is the story that I tell myself and do you now what? It also means I blush less and when I do it goes away quickly. 

What I am trying to show here is that changing the way we think can change of behaviours. And in therapy, through interaction we can consider these thought processes and how they might be impacting your behaviours for better or for worse. Let me leave you with a thought on the stories we tell ourselves.

When you were growing up, if you were told everything is possibly you will think everything is possible, it is the language you have learnt to write you story. But if you learnt that the world is out to get you, that life is hard and you will always struggle, how might your story look different.

I look forward to hearing your story.